The window to your soul...Who sees you?

The window to your soul...Who sees you?

Friday, April 30, 2010

What do you do?

What would you do if someone said this to you:

"Sometimes when I am not so inflicted with self doubt, hate, sadness, and just being self-involved in the emptiness inside, I will glance around and see worry in the eyes of those around me. 

It is painful to see, yet I feel more human because someone noticed, yet I worry, because they saw through me.  I can hold this, I have been for a lifetime, but it hurts to see others try to carry my burden. 

Even my puppy lies beside me and cries.  That hurts the most.  She sneaks up beside me to comfort and be with me.  Humans do not do this.  They do not know what to say or do. She lays her head in my lap, if she can, and tries to lick the tears away.  She doesn't know that it is a great attempt at the impossible. 

Today, I was not able to hide the worry, self hatred and the doubt that I usually can.  I felt stupid, ridiculous, like a phony.  I felt like Holden Caulfield, except I knew that I was the biggest phony of them all. 

I see the worry, concern, or just the passing glance of uncertainty and I hide.  I laugh it off and say I am concentrating, trying to solve a puzzle in my head.  They fall for it because it is easier for them.  People are not equipped to deal with the pain of others.  They can barely hold their own.  But when my innocent puppy looks at me with sadness and worry, it gets to me.  It eats me alive, and I want to die even more. 

Usually I can get away with covering up the emptiness and the depression, but sometimes it hits full force and there is nothing stopping it...like a Big Rig with bad brakes...it just slams into you with no remorse. 

What doesn't make you stronger, kills you.  I am dying slowly, and it just seems to be some sort of punishment that goes for so long...like water torture.  A person can handle it for a while, but then, it just causes irritation, then anguish, then it is too much.  I can't even find a word other than torture.  Something slices and dices my soul every day and I don't know how to stop it.  The outside looks good, the inside is butchered beyond belief.  You can't call it baggage.  You have to call it a massacre of entrails.  A person has to hide this.  There is no help.  No one can ever help.  They will reject you because they have been rejected."

What would you do if someone said this to you?  I've been thinking about this all day, and I don't know what to say or do.  There isn't anything anyone can do, is there? Maybe hold the inflicted?  That comfort may only last a few minutes or hours.  What really does help?  I don't know.  When someone is drowning, you can pull them out, but how do you really save them?  I wish I could save the world, but I am only one.  What would you do if someone said this to you?

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