Thousands of Lives

I feel like I have lived a thousand lives, and none of them are worth anything. I am always in search of myself, and I cannot locate me. It is hard to keep on swimming. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning and I pull myself up to tread water just as I am slipping away. I don't want to slip away. I need to swim to shore and I just can't find it. The answers must be out there somewhere. Some people turn to God, some turn to drugs, some turn to each other and lose themselves all over again. None of these things have worked for me, yet I am still breathing. There has to be a reason, and I am sure I will find it...I hope I will find it. There is a purpose. There has to be.

I have found that a person can't live a happy life, they can only live a life with fleeting happy moments. This was a hard lesson to learn. I was hoping that true happiness was out there somewhere. I turn to books, instead of people, for friends because there is no misunderstanding. The characters are my friends while I am inside their story. Movies allow me to forget what is outside of the theater or my room. The loneliness is overwhelming, but I can be lonely in a crowded room.

I find it kind of humorous that there are so many lonely people in this world, yet with so many of us, why should we feel lonely? I have an idea that it is because we feel misunderstood by others and ourselves. I often think of one of the stories from Free To Be You and Me. It is The No Friends Club. Someone told me a few months ago that they already had too many friends, and didn't need anymore. I don't understand that. Ever since I was little, I found it hard to maintain friendships. Mostly it was me who didn't want to be their friend. I have gotten so good at being alone that the fortress of walls I have built are seen by others, not just invisible walls I thought I was hiding. I talk and tell people so much, thinking I am letting them in, but it is a lark. I haven't let anyone in for a really long time. If I can figure out who I am and love that person, maybe others will love me too. That really isn't the important part. I just need to know if I am lovable to myself. Can I respect myself? Love myself? Be happy with myself? Will I ever be able to go an hour, day, or week without questioning myself?

I am tired of trying the wrong way. I must just step forward and go. Yoda from Star Wars said, "Do or do not, there is no try." My fear is that I will do the wrong thing yet again. So I end up doing the wrong thing. I don't just want to survive, I want to thrive and smile. Being alone isn't the problem, it is being alone with myself that seems to be hard. I work really hard at being someone, and it is hard to be someone. I am disappointed in myself at this point, and I can't imagine why anyone else wouldn't be.

"I used to be so big and strong. I used to know my right from wrong. I used to be somebody."