Pay It Forward and the phone call that made my day.

I just received a phone call from a woman that took my resume workshop this July. She said I changed her life because I cared enough to help, that I took my personal time to help her. She is now the career advisor for an institute. She called to tell me that I taught her how to be proud of herself, to have courage, and to do the best resume they had seen. I made a difference in someones life and it was good. She told me she was putting a budget together to pay me to help the students there on my free time from work and wanted to let me know what she was planning because I "had the ability to change lives."

I cried with such a sweet smile on my face. I actually did something that made a difference. I helped her by just being me. And to think, summer of 2009 I just started over in a new town in a new state with $400, my dog, no job, no friends and no family. I have succeeded in doing what I wanted in life...making a difference in at least one person's life...to teach them how to get up from down-and-out and learn skills to better themselves, to be productive, and to help others. Strangely enough, I now realize I also did that for myself, too.

People have always wanted to know why I didn't do something with my life that was better than a lowly social worker or a writer. Old friends have asked, "I thought you would be a brain surgeon, an astronaut, or a physicist by now, what happened? Why did you choose social work?" Well, because that is my personality. I'm a helper. My last boss knew that. He told me, "April it is who you are, not what you do. My bet is that you have always been a social worker." I have and will continue to be.

Restlessness and Sleepless Nights

The people here have become restless.  It's starting to eat me alive just being amongst it.

People are snapping, flipping, and doing things they wouldn't normally do.  It's affecting everyone...good decent people and people who normally behave badly are making choices to become worse than they were before. 

My favorite hangout, that used to feel like a homey place, now feels like an abusive husband that takes every good thought or decent piece of yourself away.  It is a monstrosity that is beginning to eat at me.  It is no longer welcoming.  It is no longer a safe place that wants us back.  It is a business.  It is making money off of the truly desperate, the lonely, and the ones who once felt only safety within those particular walls. 

It is a monstrosity and it is alive; sucking our souls dry while it wets our lips with fear, anger, and sin.

Things I've said...

It can't be real because there is nothing there. 

It can't be real because there is nothing ever there.

Here with all the pieces

I'm in a place I'd never thought I would be.  I've barely held on.  I've stayed.  I haven't stayed put, but I am still here.  Something is here for me.  I'm not afraid of living alone, yet my fear is of living without just a little piece of peace.  I just can't walk away from this life. There is so much beauty here on earth.  How do I surround myself with it?  How do I take those pieces I've found and bring them with me wherever I am? 

Escapism

I've noticed a lot of escapism throughout my journey and this journey amongst others.  There are so many ways to escape.  None of them work because you can never escape.  You must fight those battles that need to be fought.  You must follow through with what needs to be done to move on and get on. 

People try to escape from their hometown, their jobs, their lives.  You, yourself, are your home.  You are where the roots are located.  There is no house, apartment, no city, no state that is your home.  A person can travel throughout the world and never find home if they don't know it is inside of them.