PMS

What is a good sign that you might suffer from that ridiculous-sounding over-used term called PMS?

I went to the doctor a few years ago complaining of headaches, moodiness, and cyclical depressive symptoms. Normally when I go to the doctor because of a persistent illness or symptom it seems to magically disappear when the doctor steps into the room, only to return after I have paid the bill and arrive home (similar to car problems and mechanic shops). Anyway, unlike the usual turn of events, during this visit, I am quite grumpy, short-tempered, and rather impatient with the doctor. I tell him my symptoms, show him the calendar I have been meticulously plotting the symptoms on, and he states, "You have PMS." "WHAT? PMS? I do NOT have PMS. That is just something people say when women are grumpy."

**Just to note, men usually get the timing wrong on that anyway. PMS and "being on the rag" are not even the same thing. P (Pre) M (Menstrual) S (Syndrome) and the time where a women is actually menstruating are not the same time frame (i.e., pre-menstruation v. during-menstruation).

So, back to my story. I was technically in the pre-menstrual stage at the time of the doctor visit (I use a calendar to remember that, too). The doctor was quite surprised when I demand him to take back what he said and not give me PMS. He smiled! Smiled! "Why are you smiling? You are giving me PMS! Why can't you give me that new-fangled PMDD thing?" (Little did I know at the time PMDD, Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, is actually a more severe form of PMS, and I definitely don't want that!) Smart b*stard that he was, he kindly chuckled the words out, "I'm not giving you anything. I am diagnosing your problem. You have PMS. You do not have PMDD." Damn him. Really?

That is when it hits me. I am arguing with my doctor, telling him not to give me such a stupid sounding syndrome, when all he was doing was trying to diagnose what he thought was wrong. So I try to calm down as I am still thinking, "Crap, how did I get PMS?" DNA. That is my answer. I'm passing the buck. My mom gave it to me. It is her fault. It is hereditary.

**Note to all: the medical definition of PMS is limited to a consistent pattern of emotional and physical symptoms occurring predictably during the ten days prior to the menses portion of the menstrual cycle. The symptoms of PMS are of "sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life." More than 200 different symptoms have been associated with PMS, but the three most prominent symptoms are irritability, tension, and dysphoria (unhappiness). Common emotional symptoms include stress, anxiety, difficulty in falling asleep, headache, fatigue, mood swings, increased emotional sensitivity, and changes in libido (strangely enough for me, even though I am really irritable and tense, my libido increases to maximum proportion...just in time to scare the men away. I am Jack's smirking revenge. I suppose it gives another meaning to the term "raging hormones"). Oh, and if women are irritable during their menses, it is because it just irritating to deal with; it isn't a syndrome, it's a hassle.

So, as it turns out, my friends and family suffer from PMS. I suffer from their reaction. I do not suffer from PMS. Sometimes I think to myself, "Why am I so frustrated and grouchy? I don't even want to be around me." That is when I check my calendar, and say, "Yep. Dr. Meany Pants, you seem to be right, even 10 years later. Damn."

On the plus side (ha ha), a good physical indication that my friends are about to suffer from my PMS is that my bra cup size increases from a C to a D within a couple of days and I have huge breasts for more than a week to make up for the irritation I cause my male friends.