Just nod if you can hear me...

Some people listen to everything you say and remember it. Other people were never listening to begin with, so they don't remember the important things you've told them.

Every once in a while, someone will repeat something to me that I said to them days, weeks, months, even years before. People will tell me they remembered it because it was funny, or profound, or they finally understood the meaning (hey, I don't always convey my point very well).

During the end of my senior year in high school, one of my friends repeated a joke/pun that I made up and said once in a conversation four years before. I swore up and down that I didn't say such an embarrassing pun, but then I realized it had to do with someone in my life and I finally recalled saying it out loud. That might have been the first time I realized some people pay attention, even when I'm not paying attention to myself, or just when it is a pun in passing.

Part of the time I will speak my random thoughts aloud.  Other times I wonder if what I was thinking was even said when I meant to say it.  So many thoughts constantly run through my head that I honestly try to only speak 1 out of 10 thoughts so I'm not constantly talking.  I don't ever seem to quit talking anyway.  Maybe I should pick 1 out of 50.  I often get strange looks and comments like, "that was random," "Random Girl speaks again", or just shouts of "random."  I swear all my thoughts are connected.  If I said them all in a row they would make sense.  There is logic behind the scenes.  The thoughts do connect.  My friends call it April Logic.

I go through phases of trying not to speak and just sit quietly.  It's difficult for me.  I like engaging conversation, as well as, to tell stories.  I do have the ability to sit quietly if only for short periods of time.  It just requires concentration on my part to sit still and not be a part of what's going on.  When I am quiet, people question if I am feeling well or if I am okay.  It's rather odd.

As for listening and trying not to hear or remember what is said...

At a former temp job (3 very long months) pretty much everyone I worked around commented on how I never said much of anything and I was always busy working.  When they would mention it, I would smile and continue to work.  "If they only knew," I'd think.  It was an experiment for me, plus, I later realized these women were pretty stupid and very obnoxious.  Anything I would have said to them would have gone over their heads or would have been extremely rude. This is not a conceited statement.  A third grade drop-out would have confused these women with the intelligence that an elementary student drop-out exudes.  Their inane constant conversations caused me great pain.  I wanted to explain what was wrong/incorrect with every-single-statement that came out of their mouths.  For some reason I can still remember some of these conversations and it bothers me.  My brain does not need to be filled with such nonsense.  It was a test.  I started working with purple foam earplugs in my ears so as not to listen to them anymore.  Part of the reason I even mention this is because even though I was not part of their conversations, I had to come up with an active solution to not hear them so I wouldn't remember what they said.  You know, just in case stupidity is contagious.

This is not to say that I, myself, don't say extremely stupid and embarrassing things.  My internal filter doesn't catch everything.  It does let me know that I've said something really stupid or inappropriate after it comes out.  When this happens the quote that goes through my head is, "I carried the watermelons." (Bonus points for those of you who can name that movie.) The awkwardness that came with the delivery of that line speaks volumes about how I feel when I say something extremely stupid sounding. 

Let me get back to the listening and remembering part... 

There are those people that are superb with faking that they are listening.  They use active listening skills: the nod, the lean in, the mmm hmms, the smiles or frowns at seemingly appropriate times.  If you pay attention to the listener as you talk you can see through this false attention.  The speaker also has to listen while speaking to understand if the audience is entertained or even if they care to hear what is being said. 

To tell you a little about myself, when I start to talk excessively there are a few different things that could possibly be going on.  I could be nervous.  I could just feel extremely passionate about the subject.  I could be using a verbal slight-of-hand so I can pay attention to everything and everyone else so no one notices I am checking out the surroundings.  In this situation, I gain more knowledge of what is going on around me by listening and paying attention while distracting my listeners with a story or anecdote.  That strategy actually works pretty well.

I don't expect everyone to always listen to everything everyone says. We all have a lot on our minds.  I've been in the situation where I just wanted someone to just stop talking and get to the point.  We all have, I'm sure.  Every once in a while I am reminded that people are really listening.  They do really pay attention.  I just find it strange what it is that they remember.

Something I heard many years ago was "People may not remember what you said.  They may not remember what you did.  But, they remember how you made them feel." This is important to me because I don't ever want to make people feel worthless, useless, boring, stupid, or unlovable, no matter who they are or what they've done.  Of course there are times when I want to tell them how I really feel, but it's not usually my place to do so.  Final judgement does not come from me.  It comes from somewhere else. 

So, I'll listen as attentively as I can every time.  I may not remember everything that is said, but I'll listen.  I'll be there for you.  Some things are just more memorable than others.  I get that.