The Dance

I've never been in love.  I'm almost positive about that.  I may have romantically loved another person, maybe.  I still don't understand this love thing.  My only understanding of this is that I know I care for my dog more than anything.  Maybe I love my dog.  She loves me unconditionally.  No matter how I feel, she is happy with me, she is sad with me, she is content or worries with me.  She is my best friend, but when I talk and ask her questions on life, she can only listen, intently as she can, but never imparts any of her wisdom.  I know she has it, but she cannot speak.  Her eyes tell me, her paws pat at my knees.

I was watching couples together the other night out at the beach on a literal dance floor.  I saw lust.  I saw joy.  I saw emotion.  It is hard to hide emotions when you dance, especially if you really let go and open up.  I watched this one couple on the floor dancing throughout the night.  They were comfortable.  They were...in love?  When they passed by me, I asked the glowing woman if they were married to each other, or if they had just started dating.  She told me that it was their 20th Wedding Anniversary.  Beautiful.  Love.  Love must be the comfort one feels with another.  It must be the feeling of confidence, knowing you are with your best companion.  It must be joy.  It must be fulfilling.  Is love happiness?  I think it may sometimes be pleasure or joy, and happiness is not constant, so what is love?  Is it the ability to stick around when the tough is tough and the simple is easy?

It takes work to be a partner or companion to another.  I just don't believe it should take too much work.  If it takes too much effort and a person has to try too hard, it's not a good relationship.  That's not love, right?  That is a fight.  That might be co-dependency.  Many people live on co-dependency.  I don't need anything but the necessities.  I need air, water, food, and some sort of shelter.  I do not need a man.  I desire many things, including a companion, but I won't settle for less than a great friend...not again.

Hormones and brain chemistry try to confuse us into thinking we are in love.  I've read that eating chocolate releases the same chemicals in our brain that are released when we feel like we are in love.  In either of these instances, we are not in love.  We may love chocolate, or the idea of doing something pleasureful, but love is not what is happening.  Our bodies are telling us that we need to procreate and propagate our species.  That is just nature.  In this time of the world, we have somewhat surpassed just the natural instincts of our species.  We have evolved into more of a pack type species than we were before.  We need each other for different reasons.  We feel we need long-term partners.  It is a mixture of instinct and learned behavior.  It is different than the time before when we (or the species we evolved from--the Australopithecus) slept in trees, procreated, used violent behavior to communicate with the opposite sex, and just lived by our basic natural instincts.  Do not misunderstand me, some humans are still in that phase.

As our species' life-span has grown longer, the partnerships we have or desire to have has changed.  Our society has changed.  The basic desire to be loved, accepted, wanted is still there, yet the motivation to actually pursue it has evolved.  Lots of people are waiting  for the perfect mate, or select the first one to come along.  We might be missing the point.  Are we looking for perfection?  We have to be able to understand what perfection really is.  That definition is up to the individual.  It is no longer the dictionary, literal term.  There is no perfect human.  We all have flaws, secrets, baggage, traumas, and aftershocks of relationships gone bad. 

I had a list once of my perfect man.  I found one that fit this list.  I should have been more specific and put the definitely-do-not-wants on this wish list of mine.  It almost killed me.  It made me realize more of what I really wanted.  I am pickier now.  I can be.  I need no one to take care of me.  I need no one to make me happy.  If I cannot find happiness within myself, how can some other person make me happy?  Enjoyment comes from finding that person you can share your excitement or happy moments with, and one who will be there when the joy is not as well.  Maybe one day I will fall in love, whatever that may be.  Maybe I won't.  If I love who I am, that is good enough.  I'm complex, but extremely simple. 

Some of the answers I seek when I meet someone are from questions like these:
Will you be caring, honest, kind, compassionate, passionate?  Will you dance with me?  Will you kiss me in the rain?  Will you be considerate to me and the people around us?  Will you do your best to be conscientious?  Do you listen and remember?  Do you respond in kind?  Do you get me to laugh?  Do you want me or need me? 

I have no desire to be needed.  My desire is to have someone want to be with me.  If he doesn't, that's okay.  It's not worth the fight.  I know I am worth the risk.  The risk I speak of is heartbreak and reality; what happens in life.  Everyone leaves.  I have said it before.  They may leave by choice or they may leave by death.  Everyone leaves eventually.  We must not worry about the leaving part.  We must enjoy the now. 

Some day, if I live long enough to be old, I wish for someone to sit with me on the porch, maybe in silence, maybe to listen to my random thoughts.  If dementia hits us, I want to be glad to re-meet that same man on the porch that knows every little thing about me (or did at one point) and still wants to be by my side.  I desire a partner, a best friend.  I know all desires are not met.  Just call me an idealistic realist.  As for now, I'll just dance.